If we are happily married why do we argue?

Perpetual problems are 68% of problems that couples face. Dr. Gottman said, “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.”

Over this last week I have been paying more attention to the little problems, arguments, or disagreements that my husband and me were having. I have to say that the above quote is so very true. I have found the last week that we have a few of the same arguments. They really are not big deals. They are mostly just little disagreements just like Dr. Gottman said.

* Why do I always forget my log in and pass words?

* Why can’t he just listen to me when I am giving him directions?

* Why can’t I do the laundry when I am home during the day?

* Who’s music we listen to while in the car.

These are a few that came up this week. These are disagreements that we have been having for years and probably will for many more. There were more when we first were married but since then we have found ways to manage our conflicts.

In my opinion I think that forgiveness goes hand in hand with having perpetual problems. I think that in the last 24 years my husband and I have had many problems come and go. They change over the years as our marriage had changed and also as we have grown.

Marriage is easy!!

"Anything in life worth having is worth working for" -Andrew Carnegie 

Marriage takes work to make it a good one. But so does everything else in life.

I think that the point that Dr. Gottman was trying to get across in his book is that not every couple is perfect. Every couple will have fights. It is how you deal with those fights, arguments, disagreements when they come along.

There really is only two ways to deal with those when they come along. One is to be selfish or selfless. It is your choice!! 

Principle 1: Love Maps

I struggled with this one at first because I am not one of those touchy feely type of people. In fact my son often tells me that I am emotionally constipated. So I thought this was going along the lines of our “Love Language.” Then we started answering the questions. My husband and I found out that we knew quite a bit about each other. The questions that we couldn’t answer were because we didn’t know the answer ourselves.

Principle 2: Nurture your fondness

This was any easy on that we were already doing and had been since the very beginning. “Date Night” My husband often counsels with couples and newly weds. He gives them this advice.

 Principle 3: Turn towards each other

This seemed like another easy one. It talked about romance and being friends which both my husband and I have always had any easy time with. I also loved the questions that we were suppose to answer.

Principle 4: Let your partner influence you.

This goes right along with being selfish or selfless. It is necessary to overcome pride to be successful in this area. That is often one of the hardest things to overcome. That was one of the obstacles in my marriage and also raising children. I have learned that giving up pride is necessary especially when dealing with teenagers.

Principle 5: Solve solvable problems

My husband and I laughed about this one all week. During the week when ever we would have one of our perpetual fights one of us would yell out “PERPETUAL!” which usually made us laugh hysterically and forget whatever it was that we were arguing about.

Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

This is the one where Pride and Selfishness will be your downfall. If you do not give up on either of them then there is no budging in an argument which only creates bad feelings.

Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

I loved the four pillars.

1. Creating Rituals
2. Roles
3. Goals
4. Values

These are four things that I am putting in motion for this year. These are what my husband and I are working towards.

PRIDE - The great and spacious building!

Pride – The great and spacious building!

This summer my girls’ young women leaders challenged them to read the Book or Mormon in 90 days. My girls challenged me to join them also. The point of this is I was reading from

1 Nephi 11:36 – “And it came to pass that I saw and bear record, that the great and spacious building was the pride of the world; and it fell, and the fall thereof was exceedingly great. And the angel of the Lord spake unto me again, saying: Thus shall be the destruction of all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people , that shall fight against the twelve apostles of the Lamb.”

Pride is a huge problem for the world. We have seen what pride has done over and over again to the Nephites and the Lamanites. If it can have that huge of an impact on nations then just think of the damage that can happen in a marriage. One cannot have pride and be reflecting the light of Christ. Our goal in this life is to become more like Christ and that does not include Pride.

https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/94887-Online.2016.Spring.FAML300.06/Course%20Files/Benson-Pride.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=ReSobwUkWN6O6rF9VZGntGIqW&ou=94887

President Benson listed some scriptures that described pride.

1.   Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride.

2.   Contention is another face of pride.

3.   The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily.

4.   Defensiveness is used to justify and rationalize.

5.   The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily.

6.   The proud depend upon the world to tell them if they have value or not.

There is not place for pride as described above in marriage. You often hear people say that “marriage is fifty-fifty.” But in reality it is necessary to give 100% at all times in a marriage. That means that it is necessary to give 100% of oneself to another person. If pride is involved one really only thinks of themself.